My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
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Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary