FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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I am, perchance
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
A short story of betrayal:
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.