Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
love it when they get my name right
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who