I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
me, after any kind of buffet.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.