A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
the answer was staring at me all along
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.