[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
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Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
This why you should mind your business
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.