If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Awwwww shit.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
dude it’s called proctologist
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.