I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?