I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Chicken bread
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
This is Sparta
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”