If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The A string on my guit_r is flat
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?