[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”