Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying