If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
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If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
This makes total sense…
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?