I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
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Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?