[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
You Might Also Like
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Time for evil
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.