Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Eat…
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.