Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
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[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.