I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
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my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I can’t stop watching this.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE