Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.