Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
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[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Saw your ex at the shops
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.