My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
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That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us