Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
They’re really bad with fonts.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw