I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Flowers bee like
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️