Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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I have questions??
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.