[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit