I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?