I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
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me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.