People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
😎 🍻
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.