A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.