FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE