Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Once again not all heroes wear capes
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.