I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
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Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.