Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
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Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass