I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
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100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
don’t be scared
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime