FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
You Might Also Like
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.