The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
all that yoga finally paid off
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava