whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?