I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.