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Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Sooo many times…..
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.