your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
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One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”