I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes