“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it