WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
can’t catch a break
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.