Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
You Might Also Like
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.