It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
ok this is my dumbest yet
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity