“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..