[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Put the is in disheveled
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
it was love at first sight
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Monica just destroyed the internet
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”