me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
next question.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.