ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person