My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
my nickname in college
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I want this so bad
Very good news from my accountant
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens